Dearest Inay

Dearest Inay:

The last three months were the most trying months for our family.

Just when I thought that things could never ever get worst, a huge wave of black clouds have loomed over our heads and  swallowed us mercilessly. On a sad day of March 13, Thursday.. you have given up with your battle with Cancer.

There were no words adequate to describe how painful those moments were for all of us. Nevertheless,I just want you to know that the last three months I spent taking care of you was the most fulfilling time of my life. I never regret those nights that I stayed awake with you. It was never easy but I cherished every seconds of it.

I am sorry I was not able to tell you EVERYTHING that the doctors were telling me about your condition.

You have no idea how devastating it was to hear that your system is refusing the medications being given to you. It was so hard to force my mind to accept the reality that your body is slowly and painfully deteriorating and that at any given time, you might leave us. 

I cannot tell you that, I should have told you, but I just couldn't. Not when I know that you are not yet ready to go.. Not when I know that you still believe that one of these days, you would still live normally and happily with all of us. I couldn't deny you of your hopes and your faith, now could I? God knows that up to the last time I was still praying for miracles... God knows!

But we all have to face the music.I was there to personally witness how the glow in your eyes started to fade. Gone was the warm smile that is always there. It pains me to look at your frail hands. It hurts to see your discomfort. Most of the time when you were in pain, I even asked God to let me share half of it or even all of it, just so you will be spared of any sufferings. If  only I could, I would even have traded half of my remaining life for you, but God has other plans..

I was there when you breathed your last...

Your  last words still echo to my ears.. "papakabait.. salamat... i love you... ingat... bahala ka na.." 

When the doctor said that you are gone, I know a part of me had died too.. 

I hope you will be proud of me that amidst tears and the sorrow.. I had  forced my self to get up and get things done. I have to face the torture of buying your last clothing, choosing your casket, sign some documents confirming you are gone.  I think it was the highest form of suffering any child could ever be subjected into.

Every single step was as painful as being stabbed a thousand times. The bitter taste of mortality  truly never leaves.. but we must all learn to live with it. You are not ours any more.

The question now is.. How can we ever say Goodbye?

There are so many things that I need to tell you and there are so many things that we want to do, WITH you on our side. 

But as they say.. God has other plans. The only thing we can do right now is to pray that you find peace as you cross the Great Divide. Tita Lucy said I should not cry, instead , I should celebrate the life that you spent here with all of us. She also said that you are now happy with our Creator and you are now in good hands and in a better place where pain and hardships never exist and where pure love reigns. I believe her. We have prayed for it and you deserve it.

Did you count how many times I said and I showed how much I love you? 

I hope you did....

because I lost count already.

Majen shared this poem to me:

(Poems for deceased moms)

MISS ME, BUT LET ME GO...

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
...I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free

Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me - but let me go

For this is a journey that we must all take
And each must go alone
It's all a part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home

When you are lonely, and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me - but let me go

I will miss you Inay... but I am letting you go.

I know someday, In God's time, we shall see each other again..

Salamat sa lahat.... I love you... 

...and don't worry, ako na ang bahala...